I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
