I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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