Already got asked if we're dating
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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