I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
