i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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