I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
