Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
