I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
