I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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