Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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