I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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