I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
