I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
