i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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