Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
