She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
