omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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