I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
