It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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