if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
