i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
