I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
