I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
