You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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