Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
