Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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