No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
