How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
