This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
