are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
