Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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