Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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