There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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