i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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