Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
