It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
