you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
