Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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