the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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