Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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