Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
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I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
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Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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