Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
