Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
