god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
