Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
