Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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