so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
