Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
