Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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