JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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