Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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