what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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