I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
