I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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